Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
