I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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