That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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