what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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