I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
