Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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