She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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