end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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