Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sext me about skeletons
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
