who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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