last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
