I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My liver just had a heart attack.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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