You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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