the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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