I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
