I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think pants incapable of making pants work
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
