youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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