if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
