I think my vagina is haunted
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
