It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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