Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
