Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
