you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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