No stitches, just platelets and will power
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
