Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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