This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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