Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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