I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
