Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
