But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
