Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
