It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize