The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize