mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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