after a month anything with tits is on the radar
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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