I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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