I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
