I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
