OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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