How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
