actually, I'm a sock model
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
