Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize