It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
