I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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