You're my little dorito
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
