positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
