Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
