Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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