I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
