Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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