Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize