i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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