I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
