smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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