You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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